Relax, I’m not gonna talk about Aerosmith… however, I guess in saying that I’m not going to I just did. That’s about as far as it goes though.
Anyway, there are certain things that a female can do which will automatically boost her rating on the hottness scale just by the sole nature of incorporating this into her personae. Letting her hair down, getting behind the wheel of a big truck, being an Asian b-girl… you know those things you can’t necessarily put your finger on why, but that automatically grab your attention and pace up your heartbeat. These are all superficial factors of course. All bets are off if you actually get to talk to said female. Sometimes opening her mouth is all you need to know that you need to keep on stepping. On the other hand though sometimes that ordinary chick you wouldn’t look at twice says something so profound that you suddenly feel compelled to spend a few minutes of your time trying to find out what’s underneath all those layers of personality.
But I digress… I could talk about girls all day and when it’s all said and done it’ll just serve as proof of how little I actually know about the topic. Back to what I was originally going on about, one thing a female can do that will always get your pulse racing one way or another is pick up a piece. I could try to get all Freudian here and go into guns as phallic symbols and all that, but it’s really not necessary. You know for a fact that when you see the combination of double X chromosomes and chrome plated steel somebody is ready to get down to business.
photo of Linz courtesy of Suicide Girls
Not that a gun in the hands of a guy is any less intimidating, but you’re more likely to find a male holding heat as a natural part of his everyday routine than you are to find a female wielding her gat in the same nonchalant manner. Even female cops seem to give off a different vibe than males using guns for the same purpose as a required part of the job. I can’t quite say why, I’m just calling it like I see it here.
Maybe that’s why most songs that talk about girls and guns come off so aggressively. When that lady goes for her trusty sidearm or is driven to get her hands on a street traded toolie 9 times out of 10 it’s because she’s ready to do some damage. 7 out of those 9 times this is bad news for some poor soon to be ex-lover who’s crossed her. Again I don’t know why this is most often the case, but I’m just calling ’em how I see ’em.
Anyway, this essay is really just an excuse to give you guys a taste of some of the most memorable songs that deal with the subject of women toting tek’s that I’ve come across over the years. This is by no means meant to be an all encompassing list or even a “best of” but these are the first tracks that come to mind. Feel free to add to the list yourself (yes, Aerosmith is a given). It just so happens that all of my picks feature female vocalists and like I said, they’re all pretty aggressive.
Ultrababyfat – Gunshy
“I’ve got no bullet’s… it’s just a gun” …quit being such a pussy and talk to your woman dude.
NY Rel-X – Pod Queen
I mean you could be dealing with this chick. And believe you me, by the time it reaches this point it’s a little too late for talking. Anybody got the number for witness protection?
I don’t know too much about this band except that I found this song on a Skratch Magazine compilation a couple years ago which actually was pretty good as a whole. At any rate, this track stuck out for the sheer rawness of female aggression it puts forth.
The Horrorpops – S.O.B.
Anybody who ever tries to argue the Rockabilly roots of groups like the Horrorpops just has to take one listen to tracks like this one and shut the fuck up. I love the pure bad-ass attitude this song is all about and Patricia Day is definitely my kind of woman (I thought I was the man for like two days after she gave me an approving up and down at one of Eon McKai‘s shindigs). Anyway, how can you go wrong with a band that tours with it’s own cheerleaders. Just don’t cheat on your lady and you’ll avoid the fiery wrath of a woman scorned such as the narrator of this song.
Sonic Youth – Orange Rolls, Angel’s Spit
If you hadn’t figured it out from the frequency of my name drops alone, I freaking love Sonic Youth, and this along with I Dreamed I Dream (I can’t believe that drum track hasn’t been sampled yet), rates up amongst my most favorite of their tracks. I mean let’s face it, even on their softest of ballads with Kim on vocals, the intensity still creates a tension that feels as if she’s got a .22 cocked and resting on the inside of your cheek. (Shadow of a Doubt anyone) This I say however, is easily the most visceral of all of their tracks and the vocal assault is staggering. I mean the whispered pet names and “lala” chorus make it seem as though the protagonist is capable of being a really, really sweet girl, if not a little disturbed. I have to admit I’m quite partial to Dirty as an album, and if you really wanted to get analytical about it you could possibly weave a cohesive narrative out of the first half of the album which deals with topics from fatal love, to sexual harrasment, to premature infatuation, to emotionally dependent relationships… but maybe I’m just reading too much into it.